Before reading this post, please click here and read a post I had blogged in 2012 called, “3 Pennies” because it will make a lot more sense!
While I was going through the darkness of dealing with the bad job and feeling so much uncertainty of what to do and what would be next for me, I read Mandy Hale’s Beautiful Uncertainty: Singleness, Surrender, and Stepping Out on Faith. I don’t think I could have read a better book at the time.
There is a chapter, in which she encourages the reader to pray and ask for a “God wink.” A God wink is something that is special and unique only between you and God. The whole idea is to ask for a sign from God to let you know that He is there.
This is something I had wanted really bad. My relationship with God and the universe had been so silent for a while and now I wanted to know for sure that He was there, He was listening, and He knew what I was going through.
I read the prayer at the end of the chapter and I continued to pray about it alone silently in my bedroom while I laid on my bed. My hands grasped together tightly on my stomach and my eyes clenched shut as if that helps to pray harder.
Give me a sign. Please, just give me a sign.
Eventually, I peeked my eyes open and looked around my room as if some sort of sign magically appeared while they were closed; like it would happen that fast. Nothing yet.
I sighed and eventually turned my lamp off to go to sleep.
On a Wednesday morning, not long after the night I prayed, I woke up and did my morning routine of brushing my teeth and washing my face. I stepped out of my bathroom and leaned over my bed and started crying; for no reason. I had felt a little off, but nothing in particular triggered it. I sat on my bed and continued to cry and cry. I called Jordan and explained what was going on, but I was so confused and didn’t know why this was happening. It felt like my body was emotionally throwing up.
I had a call scheduled with my past English teacher and mentor that morning. I settled down and pulled myself together right before she called. We had a good chat about my situation and she filled me up with hope and healing. I drove to work and there were storms leaving town. I looked through my window before me and saw sunshine and I looked in my review mirror to see some of the darkest clouds I have ever seen making a huge contrast in the sky.
Was this some metaphorical scene where my body is shedding emotion and feelings in hopes to leave the darkness of the clouds behind for a brighter future ahead? Was this all being painted in the sky?
The next day, Thursday, I was at work; the job I wanted to leave as soon as I could. I had started to print off emails that included praise for a job well done that I would receive from clients and tack them on one of my cubicle walls so I could have some sort of positive vibes in the toxic environment.
I had just printed off one of those emails and was looking for a tack to hang it up. I thought maybe I stashed a few in this tiny drawer that was part of my desk organizer that held my pens and post-its. When I opened the drawer, there sat a penny; heads up and all. My breath left me and I froze. I knew I didn’t put the penny in there. 3 pennies, I thought. My sign arrived.
I sat down and started texting people that knew the story with tears coming to my eyes. He is here. We broke our silence.
Friday, I headed up to Jordan’s hometown and we were lounging on the couch after dinner. We got up for a minute and when we came back to the couch, there was a penny, heads up, sitting on the cushion Jordan had sat. I pointed at it confused. Another one.
Saturday, Jordan and I were playing bags with others on his friend’s driveway. I started walking across the driveway with my eyes gazing at the ground and I pass by a penny; heads up once again. Third penny.
Sunday, I headed back to Kansas City by myself and stopped to get use the restroom and grab food. I started to wash my hands at the small bathroom sink and was looking in the mirror. I looked down at my hands as I was rinsing them off and something caught my eye. I leaned over closer to the corner of the sink to see a penny sitting there; heads up.
I FREAKED out. Who sees pennies anymore, really? Let alone four days in a row in the most random-in-my-face-spots! All of them were heads up too, which felt like must hold some sort of significance.
I called my mom and told her. I told friends. This wasn’t chance or a coincidence. This was a sign. Perhaps, my wink from God and the universe.
Later on, I told the story to one of my mentors and she explained when her husband passed away, she would walk her dog and for about a year she would see a penny every day on those walks. “You know why it’s significant that they are heads up, right?” she asked. “It’s because it says, ‘In God We Trust.”
My eyes widen. Talk about a goose bumps kind of moment.
I eventually left the job that was causing me so much pain. And the timing and the day that I did put my two weeks in was the most perfect time it could have happened due to other circumstances that quickly followed. I envision there was a garage door about to finally close shut and I escaped at the very last second.
It was all in perfect timing. And that’s what I hear God’s timing is like.
After I wrote up this blog post, I went back to that chapter in the book to see what the chapter was called. I didn’t remember there was a page for you to write out your prayer to God. I read what I wrote and it made me freak out a little more of how powerful the prayer was and how concrete these God winks are.
What I wrote: