If you didn’t catch Part 1, you can read it here. I am choosing not to provide the name of this company.*
“Trust the beauty of your becoming and the significance of your story. Every sentence of it.” From Beautiful Uncertainty by Mandy Hale
Last night’s sentence consisted of two mental and emotional breakdowns. They have become regular; almost weekly. By the end of the week, I had been celebrating the fact that I hadn’t cried all week. Then Friday hit. Another hard day. Tears tried to surface my eyeballs on the way home while on the phone. I pushed them back.
Once my feet stepped into my room, the tears wanted their moment to escape. I walked into my closet and sat down and the tears dropped from my face quickly and quietly. I grabbed my phone to call Jordan. Another phone call of me crying in frustration. This time more annoyed. “I sound like a broken record,” I told him. “How much more of this do I take?”
I told him I am starting to run out of fingers to count the times I have broken down in the last couple months. Later in the night, I realized that I haven’t cried this much and fallen down as frequently since the historic breakup of 2011. Another struggle season is upon me.
The other breakdown happened in my Jeep. Once I was parked in my apartment complex, I cracked the windows and called my mom. The emotions running so deep, I reached a point of needing to simply call my mom crying.
This has been one of the harder parts. It took me awhile to open up to my parents about my unhappiness with the situation I found myself in. It’s been imprinted in me the amount of love my parents have for me and how much they care that I am happy. It’s in their thread of being a parent to want to try to fix my problem and find a solution. It’s tough to express my pain in something they can’t do much about. But I’ve needed to open up.
I know this chapter isn’t going to last forever. It’s temporary and fleeting. The time is ticking on its presence. One night when I was trying to go to sleep, I thought to myself, I may be sad now, but I know I’ll be happy later. This isn’t going to be the rest of my life. This is a passing rainstorm.
What you just read was something I typed up during that dark time.
Toward the end of March, I had started job searching and May came around and I was still stuck with no leads. Work continued to get worse.
June began and I received an email regarding a part time retail job (one of the only leads I had) that told me they were postponing their group interviews until the following month. I read it at my desk and I immediately started crying.
I had become so desperate to find a way out that this prompted my first panic attack. I thought about myself being stuck at this terrible job for another month and it freaked me out. I looked out the window and I felt trapped. I couldn’t leave. And I didn’t have any idea when I was going to be able to be done looking out that window for good. I felt like I was strapped down to a chair.
I was trying to be quiet at my desk because I didn’t want anyone at work to see or hear me crying. It was getting hard to breathe. I went to the bathroom to have some privacy and continued to gasp for air.
Once I was back at my desk, I tried to control my crying and concentrate on breathing. Whenever a co-worker asked me a question through my cubicle wall, I replied as if nothing was wrong.
Eventually, I got a freelance writing contract and obtained a freelance opportunity with a local PR firm. But these weren’t going to pay the bills.
Then the worst day came. Luckily, Jordan happened to be in town visiting me during the week. I came home from work and changed my clothes and went to the couch where he was sitting. I curled up my knees to my chest and laid the side of my head on the back-side cushion and started uncontrollably crying. I cried so hard and so loud trying to blab out what happened that day.
The phone just kept ringing and ringing and ringing…I mumbled out like a person gone insane. I had reached another mental and emotional state in that moment as my boyfriend watched me unable to control the darkness spewing out of me.
Once I settled down, he looked at me and told me it was time. We need to get you out of there.
I finally put in my two weeks and events happened very soon after that solidified that I had made the right decision and in the knick of time. Bizarre enough to have me believe God was in this situation with me. It also confirmed that I wasn’t crazy, I wasn’t being a brat, and that it truly was not a normal thing.
It turned into one huge learning experience that included me learning how much I can endure and what makes up a bad employer – something I can take with me in the future.
On my last day, I got in my Jeep, with no actual solid job lined up, and I played “Dog Days Are Over” by Florence + The Machine, while I fist pumped my way down the road with tears in my eyes, not looking back.
Open up. It can be hard to open up to others about your struggles. It’s something I have had a hard time with and still continue to work on. You might think you are bothering others with your problems, that they may have their own to deal with, etc. But it is not true. Talking with others can help get things off your chest and it’s an opportunity for them to help you. Is there anything you wish to open up to others about?
Thank you to everyone that listened to me through those months of unhappiness. You helped more than you may know!
With extra sprinkles on top,